Ten. Every driver but Bubba Wallace has to power cars a la Flintstones.
Nine. White squares to be removed from checkered flag.
Eight. Counseling and therapy dogs to be provided to losing drivers.
Seven. While normally confirming radio transmissions with “Roger,” drivers must now use gender-neutral name “Pat.”
Six. Military flyovers replaced with transgender people running around track with rainbow colored kites.
Five. Next Generation car to be fueled by hugs.
Four. “Gentleman, start your engines” call will now take 10 minutes to accommodate all possible genders.
Three. To separate itself from Donald Trump Jr., NASCAR will require Dale Jr. to go by “Dale 2.”
Two. Will push harder to cut back on carbon emissions by chasing fans away so they won’t travel to races.
One. Plans to be first male dominated sport to feature all females after all male drivers identify as women when finding they can use same showers as Danica Patrick.